Category: English

The world of screams

Bogumił Pacak-Gamalski

Scream. The mind brings the memory of a vision of that famous painting by Munk. That contorted with terror face. But it is not my scream. There is no terror in my memory. Maybe when you were still sick, weakening every week? But not really. I was too busy with soaking in every second of your presence, of the smell of your skin, the sound of your voice.

Silent scream in that isolated room in the hospital, with all these probes and machines attached to your body? No. There was no time to scream. It was a time of savoring every second, every precious moment of being with you. Was there a dim hope? I suppose there was a faint longing for it. But not for a scream. The entire very dedicated team of doctors and nurses knew early on – but they did not give up. As long if that faint hope remained.

Till I will say it, when I will arrive at that moment on my own time. When I had that long talk with the two specialists (a neurologist and a doctor, whose only role seemed to be to give me support, a psychologist perhaps?) I did not feel like screaming. I knew. God knows how I didn’t want to be the truth – but it was, and I knew.

I would not scream because every second to the very last one I needed to be with you. Not with fear, not with loss. With you wholly. My last talk with you, a long one, was about our love. The beauty of her. Telling the long story of it, from the very first day. Long story. Reminding you and myself of it. And how immensely grateful and happy I was. At that time, too. Even after I did say the word, after they removed the tubes and disconnected the machine – your body still had a heartbeat for short while. Tere was no time to scream, when they asked if I want to spend some moments with you until the hearts stopped its labor. Of course, I went and caressed your face, held your hand. It wasn’t time to scream. There was time to console you, to be grateful you are no longer in those terrible throws of that terrible disease.

Later we spent so much time on my traveling with memory of you to our places, our journeys. There was no time to scream.

But, as time passed, moments of silent screams came. I didn’t want them; I ran from them.

Now? Yes, I do. I have to slowly dismantle piece by piece our last apartment. Must squeeze everything that is ours in a few suitcases, traveling bags. Most of the material items we bought and gathered over the decades – has to be given away or disposed of. I must transfer myself, my body, to different spaces, lands, countries. And I do feel like screaming at times. But I also had to stretch myself, and pack myself inside for the things not material: every day, every year, every hour of our love and life. I didn’t know I could hold so much, that I had so much space inside me. But I do. Not a single minute will be left and forgotten.

Scream

When I scream your name in pain
		will you come to me?
When I cry in vain for our days and nights
		will you come with touch?
When I forget my keys, my wallet and life
		will you find them for me?
If I hear your scream from the abyss, 
		I will run and find you.
If I hear your crying over song or poem,
		I will find the music and words.
When I will know you are lonely and sad
		I will reach and touch you.
I screamed your name and enormous
shadow of an Angel appeared in front.
He brought our lost Love. 
And silenced the scream.

/B. P-G 07.2024/

Link to previous post that relates to these conversations

Long Beach and Cathedral Forest on Vancouver Island, BC

Bogumił Pacak-Gamalski

There was a lot of photographs here of the beauty and wilderness of Nova Scotia beaches on Atlantic shores.

But how could I forget about the other absolute gem on the opposite side of this, Canadian continent? The magic of Long Beach on Vancouver Island and – at times – the hair rising drive from Port Alberni pass the Kennedy Lake, to Ucluelet and Tofino.

Just before you reach the town of Alberni – one more amazing natural reserve: The Cathedral Forest. It is indeed a ‘cathedral’ – a sacred please saved from annihilation of forest logging companies by people protesting and risking being arrested. Sacred because there is very few places where you can see such undisturbed big forest of hundreds years old giants remembering times immemorial. The Canadian Sitka trees, Douglass fir, Red Cedar. It is an entire cosmos of it’s own ecosystem, everything supporting everything: from the dense brush, grass and plants on the forest floor, to trees that often you can’t see their top because their are so tall and the canopy so dense.

But first the awe inspiring shore of the Pacific from the town of Ucluelet to the town of Tofino. The simple fact is that you can actually walk the entire length of the shore from outskirts of Ucluelet all the way to the edges of Tofino on the beach. Through a bit but colorful rocky formations, passing amazing forest on the hills above, where you will find embankments for huge guns that were there during 2 world war searching for expected Japanese naval invasion. If I remember correctly they did notice one Japanese small vessel far on the horizon and fired few rounds. The shells landed in the waters far from the ship but it was enough to make it turn around and disappear.

The edges of the beaches in Nova Scotia Atlantic are full of oval clam shells and reddish tops of dead crabs; the Pacific beaches are covered with dark bluish mussels and rocky crevices with gardens of amazing anemones.

Long Beach, BC but first the road from Alberni to Ucluelet

… and few picture of first town – Ucluelet

finally – Long Beach

Cathedral Forest

There is a lake I had to say goodbye to

There is a lake I had to say goodbye to

Bogumił Pacak-Gamalski-Graham

Went yesterday to that lake. Our lake. Went there third time. Went there, on my pilgrimage of saying goodbye, saying that to many places we went together to. Roads, towns, parks, streets and beaches. Our journey through this province. Our last stop of our big lifelong journey.

There will be no more stops for us, no more places we will visit together, no more view we would enjoy together.

I know that you are part of me, wherever I go that part will go too. But it is not the same, you know it and I know it. Where I will end up there will be very few spots that we briefly visited during a cold and wet November 1990. Poland. Time was very turbulent in 1990 in Poland. I had such little time for us, the country was ravaged beyond description by the past 45 years of Soviet domination.

Our life journey was Canada, she was our country. She brought us together. And she did bring us to that lake in 2022. Our last longer ride outside of the city.  I know you did it only for me, you knew better than I did, that time was already very short. In a way it was borrowed time. But you agreed to give me that last longer car ride, a ride to a small beach, lake, forest. Went there again in September 2023. It was really, really hard. At that time that lake was almost totally empty. Just me and memories of you there. On that bench were you were waiting for me in 2022 – I still saw your shadow, I thought I saw that tiny smile and that twinkle in your eye. And the goodness that emanated from you. The one that made you so special to so many people.

Today it was full of beachgoers, loud with laughter and yelling, with people setting their barbecues for hotdogs and burgers, there were boats and kayaks. Went a few times for a swim. The water was very warm and soft, as lake waters are. But could not see you anywhere in this noise, could not her you voice.

I did say goodbye to that place. Not to you, to the place that for a short while was ours.  Probably will never see it again except in my sleep, my dreams. Goodbye, lake.

June 2024

September 2023

LAKE

1.

I came here again

to our love

I came crying for you

our half

I swam and searched

could not see

Could not hear your voice

Only broken me

Children swam, too

they shouted joy

Mothers yelled laughingly

throwing them a toy

I did not belong here

anymore

Our presence, our laughter

silenced

Even the verse I wrote down

is wanting

The grief will be gone

one day  

And there will be nothing

left

Just total emptiness, full

void

My shadow will look

at me

Will ask like a judge

in court:

what more, I ask, would you

want

You are but a scribe

not more

2.

post scriptum

          The air is still, is warm, rather moist

          The water is dark like lukewarm tea

          I recognize the little green island

          Recognize the broken bench, the rock

          Guys with brown faces, black hair, big eyes

          Smiling at me and asking a question:

          Can you take picture of us sir, please

          I do but say – look at yourself, not me

          I want to add – look at yourself and you

          Will see the whole world, the sun and the stars

          Yet I don’t just smile approvingly

          For I know that way down from stars is long

The Chain Lakes bike trail in Halifax, NS

Bogumił Pacak-Gamalski

The southern end of Halifax offers very different bike trails – city trail that meanders as an elegant path for city dwellers. It is not necessarily my type of cake but yesterday was the day of my sweet tooth call. I have answered and voila: The Chain of Lakes Trail.

It passes so many industrial and commerce sites, crosses so many highway so many highways, that you would think that is a typical big city bike trail that has nothing to do with actual nature. That it is a manicured trail that gives a city folk the theatrical gimmicks of feeling that he is in wild nature. Which – of course – is not true, it is just orchestrated effort to mee that desire.

To my happy surprise, it truly is not the case with this particular trail. Yes, it is without any doubt a city trail. You will find there many walkers, bikers and families that you would not normally find in a forest, on the shores of wild lakes or a totally wild ocean. But it is also a trail that very quickly you forget about it. That you just immerse yourself in the astonishing beauty of passing little streams, meadows and an array of wildlife. Did I mention the lakes that give it its name?  Yes – the amazing Chain Lakes (there is two of them, hence the name ‘chain’).

I started it from a little small park off the St. Margaret Bay Road via Crown Drive. It takes you pass the First and Second Chain Lakes, after double crossing of two streets with special lights and stop signs for bikers and walkers, it follows you through more industrial neighborhood, yet again – if you don’t rise your head too high, you might not even notice as you are biking alongside the lakes Bayers and Lovett.

I meant to bike it many years ago, when we came with John to Nova Scotia. Never did. The time has come to fulfill that promise. I did and I’m glad.

Somehow, it felt that he is biking right beside me. That he kept glancing at me and smiling. But that is entirely different story to write.

This particular image (part of the industrial site close to the Lovett Lake) for some reason took me right away back to the 1980′ in Southern Alberta: there was a time when I was travelling often to the University of Lethbridge. Just before you see the city of Lethbridge – you see the old train trestle bridges that used to connect Alberta and the States on one end, and the Okanagan Valley on the other end. This structure is just a metal box that will eventually become some sort of warehouse. But that was the very first impression I had, when I noticed it. Funny how visual memory works independently in you brain. Of course that is not a valid argument that one has a brain. But a hope, nonetheless.

Camera walk from Conrad’s Beach to Stoney Beach in Lawrencetown

Camera walk from Conrad’s Beach to Stoney Beach in Lawrencetown

Bogumił Pacak-Gamalski

My favored beach outside of city reach, but very close. Parking could be a problem in summertime. Practically speaking you have to park on the curbside of the road and it could be a long way to walk, but the is no through traffic as the road ends there. The way to the beach is via very long wooden walkway, an it is very picturesque, I have always enjoyed it. Beach is very pleasant with a lot of good sand. For restless souls – a perfect place for nature walks. The sand dunes separate the beach from very interesting narrow walkways through grass and low growth patches of forest alongside the protected lakes-like marches.

I have been there so many times, can’t even remember how many. Swimming is fabulous but not for everyone at this time of the year, as the water is still very cold. But from middle of July to early November – it is a small paradise for swimmers. However – you can try even now. Cold, but manageable. I did.

Enjoyed the walks in that little forest and the sand dunes (there is a few narrow trails and please do use the trails – the ecosystem here is delicate and easily disturbed). The flora and fauna is beautiful. Small and larger birds, occasional deer, flowers, butterflies.

Today I did first time the entire trail, all the way past Conrad’s Beach and Tanner’s Sandy Point to the Stony Beach of Lawrencetown. The Stony Beach is a favored spot for Kitesurfing. Often, when you are on Conrad’s Beach you will see on the horizon to the east colourful kites gliding through the sky – these are the surfers from the Stoney Beach.

The sea has it’s own rules, not everything is manicured and ‘the grass’ is not always cut… . On my way back, by the Tanner’s Sandy Point I have found a relatively fresh dead body of a seal. That point is always very windy and waves are always high and dangerous. She must have been too tired to overcome the waves because otherwise there was no visible signs of any wounds of bites to her body. But to keep things in balance of sad and happy, maybe half an hour earlier, close by, I almost touch a very much alive and startled young deer. I was just walking through a narrow path in the dense forested part and startled suddenly the beautiful creature. She froze for a split second and quickly jumped back to the wood before I had a chance to raise my camera.

Canada’s Ocean Playground … and some

Canada’s Ocean Playground … and some

Bogumi Pacak-Gamalski

Since Canada does actually have coastlines of three oceans: Pacific, Arctic and Atlantic it could be easily said that the entire country in an ocean’s playground. But there is actually a lovely beach in Nova Scotia that claims that name. I did not research why this particular one claims that title. Yes it is large, it is right off the highway (but without any large enough parking spaces) and it is nice … but it not the best by any means and it is off not very travelled highway. But it does claim that name.

I definitely suggest visiting it in the summertime. The ocean’s water is splendid, and those who also like a little hike – there is an amazing trek right of the side of enormous red rocky wal stretching a good few miles to the east. Very picturesque and with huge view of other bays close by and far away at the same time (including one of two best beaches on this coast: the Martinique Beach and Taylor Head Provincial Park beach). On the map and from the shore all of these bays and beaches seems to be next to each other, walking distance. But only if you can walk on water. Getting to most of them by car requires driving long distances. And precisely because of the abundance of these huge bays, many lakes in-between – the highway is a long journey.

Telling the truth I didn’t even planned to go there today. Been there first and last time during winter six years ago. Because it was winter, I didn’t pay much attention to the beach and didn’t swim in it’s water’s. It was just a way of visiting the old Acadian (French) settlements of Nova Scotia. The very first wintery drive back in December 2018 I took together with my late husband and this year’s journey had therefore a special sentimental, emotional aspect.

My original plan today was different. I wanted to visit a small outpost called Fisherman Beach which offered a beach and an outpost for small harbors for fisherman’s boats and houses at the end of Causeway Road. To get there you continue past Lawrencetwon on #207, which becomes Marine Drive. The fishermen’s tiny outpost is an absolute a gem. Unfortunately not so the beach just before it. Yes, the shore is lovely, very sandy, the bay is very secluded and sheltered from waves … but shallow as a tiny pond in the middle of a meadow. Maybe good for toddlers – I couldn’t swim in something like that.

I checked the map and noticed that ‘Ocean’s Playground’ is not far away. Drove back to Marine Drive and continued for few miles. Soon, right next to the highway, a gorgeous wide open bay appeared with lovely long beach ending with very high embankment of red soil and rocks. There isn’t really much of parking anywhere there, just for few cars. But you could easily park on the side off the highway. I didn’t have a problem, the fact that it was weekday and the water is still very cold – there was nobody on the beach. Sadly, because the weather was fantastic. There were nice waves, but not a huge ones. Water was cold, but not freezing. Swimming was very refreshing, although in short distances and intervals. Certainly in a month or two the water will be fantastic. After the swimming, I took my camera and went for a long trek alongside that red wall od rocks and soil. The views are fantastic. You have to pay attention to your feet – the roks are large, hardly any trail between them. Despite these warnings – I strongly suggest to do it anyway, it offers one of the best views of many far away huge bays and beaches beaches – all of them I recognized and visited many times before.

After returning form that very interesting trail, I drove up the #207 through the picturesque and old Acadian settlements of West Chezzetcook. Strongly suggest to do it. A lot of history and a lot of different cultural and historical colours – including the ever present tri-colors of French Acadians.

From West Chezzetcook I took left turn to highway #7 and continued on a very picturesque drive through communities of Porter Lake and Lake Echo settled like a dream on many bays and coves of enormous Porter Lake. Through them I drove back to Dartmouth via Main Street.

West Lawrencetown Forest

Bogumi Pacak-Gamalski

Yesterday I biked the trail leading from Rainbow Haven’s Beach to Cow Bay near Dartmouth. The area opposite that trail ends with enormous salt marches-lake. All across that long lake there is a well constructed trail connecting it with the beginning (or end) of another section of this part of Canadian Trail. Last fall I have taken that trail (that part of the Canada Trail is named aptly “Atlantic View Trail”) from West Lawrence Road all the way to Lawrencetown Beach Provincial Park which is about 30 kilometers forth and back. Today I started at the same point, but went the other direction – toward the Rainbow Haven huge lake. It is shorter, about 12-13 kilometers back and forth. At times it was very windy but the trail did not disappointed. In my life time I was lucky enough to hike/bike both extreme ends of the Canada Trail: on Vancouver Island in BC (it is just insanely beautiful there) and on the Atlantic coast in Nova Scotia.

June Lady Slipper is very familiar (but does not grow in abundance and is a very delicate and solitary creature) flower in this part of Nova Scotia in the spring. The formal name has a more distinct and elegant tone: cirypedium acaule. It likes very much the acidy soil. I guess, as any elegant lady it likes a glass of acidy wine now and then, LOL. I adore them – both species, LOL.

Cow Bay Forest in Nova Scotia

Cow Bay Forest in Nova Scotia

Bogumil Pacak-Gamalski

A little green gem nestled near Dartmouth, perfect for walking and cycling. It is a typical example of forests in the Eastern shore: with lots of marches, little lakes and streams. The trees are very seldom big and tall due to the impenetrable rocky bed covered with only shallow layer of red soil. Alas the root system is shallow, too, therefore prone to falling during frequent high winds or root rot. The southern end of the forest is located be the entrance to the Halifax peninsula in Cow Bay, the northern by the big marches near Havens Beach, to the west lays Dartmouth – to the east the vast waters of open Atlantic.

An early evening bike ride was a perfect timing as the trail was empty for practical reasons, air was cool, the rain very light and very sporadic.