Traditional for many years now, the Vaisakhi celebrations and parade organized by Khalsa Order in Surrey, draws an amazing crowd of people. That Order of Sikh religion was born by the end of XVII century in India. But for many years now, there is no other place on this planet, were the celebrations are gathering so many participants as in Surrey, in British Columbia.
In past twenty years or so, I have gone to the parade few times admiring the colorful display of their culture. Since my life in Canada is nearing the end – I decided again to see it, and never before have I seen so many participants! Early estimates are of 4500 000 – that is almost half a million people, all organized and served by almost 5000 volunteers! Just amazing.
It started in the temple Gudwara Sahib Dasmesh Darbar by 128 Street and 76 Avenue. There were prayers, huge portraits everywhere of their famous Gurus (religious leaders akin to the Popes in Christianhood), martyrs and mementos of their struggle in India.
Multitude of kiosks served free food to all, who attended the parade. There were stages with traditional music, dancing and singing. And of course beautiful and colorful dresses of woman and men. They all looked very attractive in them. One of th big stage offered lessons of how to wrap their traditional turbans out of very long orange ribbon.
Of course it is not only cultural and religious aspect. One can not forgot that it is also very much a political struggle. Their aim was always to create a separate state on the Indian subcontinent as their religion does not represent the Hinduism teachings nor that of later invading forces of Muslim faith (the Mouguls – stretching from todays Afghanistan, Bangladesh, Pakistan and from th other side the Iranian form of Islam, the Safavid Iran and it’s current version). That created certain tensions and terrorist acts that were perpetrated by some leaders of the Khalsa movement in Canada – exactly in Surrey, but also some in Kamloops and Cowichan Valley – Duncan – on the Vancouver Island). The largest terrorism act ever perpetrated in Canada , was that of exploding large Boeing passenger plane off the coast of Ireland in June 1984 and all 329 people died. The Canadian Sikhs organization Babbar Khalsa was directly involved , as a response to Indira Gandhi (famous Prime Minister of India) atrocities against Sikhs in India. Indira Gandhi herself was later murdered by Siks in India. That terrible terrorist bombing of that Air India flight from Canada to England remains the largest in the history of Canada and one that was totally and probably willfully mismanaged by RCMP investigation, court proceedings and everything and everyone else. A side effect of it was also an assassination plot against Premier of British Columbia Ujjal Dosanjh, which he survived but received almost deadly blows to his skull. It is worth nothing that Dosanjh himself is a Sikh by faith but condemns the violence in the struggle of Sikhs to gain independence in India.
It is believed that now most of Khalsa Order and movement is conducted by peaceful, democratic means. The most known Canadian politician, who is Siks is definitely the former leader of federal NDP, Jagmeet Singh. He is very outspoken in the fight to end poverty in Canada and establishing different tax regime and minimum hourly wage of $20.00. He is very much outspoken about his opposition to terrorist activity and achieving political goals by way of brutal force.
Thomas Mann and Klaus Mann – father and son – have brought me back to reading novels. I have mentioned long time ago, that I have given up that old habit quite a few years ago.
After you consume rather large amount of certain dishes – you got tired of it. You recognize the same sauces, the same spices and little culinary tricks repeated by all writers.
Granted, I am not very verse in all the current new titles – but it takes more than one generation and at least and epoch to change it substantially. I do still browse through the new titles a bit at the beginning, a bit in the middle, and the epilog. It is very predictable, even if put nicely together.
But Klaus Mann, whom I have not read that much in years gone long ago, sparked my interest again in novel. I have written about it on these pages very recently, therefore I will not expand on it again.
Suffice to say, due to my own tragedy of immense Loss, his treatment and writing on the subject of love brought back to me the beauty of love, the sorrow of its end – and absolutely undisputable power of that amazing feeling. No loss is ever going to be greater than the experience of love, and no price is too big to pay for it later.
His stories in three short novels, of Alexander the Great and of two friends and the absolute and delicate way he wrote and composed it were exquisite. His tenderness of portraying these feelings gave me strength to write about them from my own perspective, my own experience. Somehow Klaus Mann became my friend, my confidante. My writing about Love and Loss was like meeting him in a café in Berlin or in Paris, perhaps even in New York and just talking about it. About his searches and mine. Books (good books) do that sometimes to you. Hence my posts were not per se reviews of young Mann’s books, but a case of mutual conversation, in a manner of speech, naturally. Below are links to this texts of mine:
That prompted me to look for his big volume of memoires “The turning point. Thirty-five years in this century”[i]. I went to our Main Library in Vancouver to get that book. They didn’t have it on the shelf but brought it to me from some sort of warehouse room were some books spent for some reasons a solitary life. Not for eternity, mind you, LOL. Maybe it needed some fixing, repairs? It was not in the best shape. After all – that book was published … 84 years ago! Since I liked Thomas already and knew that he wrote about French writer Andre Gide, who happens to be my very much liked writer – I asked for that book, too. This time it was supposed to be on shelf not in some purgatory warehouse. I got the coded number, went to right spot – and the book wasn’t there. Returned to that young library assistant, who got me the big book of Mann memoires and ask him if he could find me that book. He said with a smile: of course, just follow me. I did. But he was going to big section called “English Literature”. So, I stopped him and asked why is going there, instead to were Mann’s book should be. His answer just astonished me and made me giggle a bit. The answer was: well, this book is in English in our catalogue.
God have mercy! – I almost shouted. Instead, I just explained to him – My dear young man, you have that book in English language, but it is a German writer. Therefore it is, as it should be, in “World Literature “section. The same as Victor Hugo, Pablo Neruda, Dostoyevsky and hundreds of other writers, who were of other nationalities and wrote in other languages.
Let me remind you again dear reader – that young and pleasant fellow was an assistant in the Main Library in a very big metropolitan city. O, tempora, o mores …
Back at the right section he did re-checked the shelves from top to bottom and the book really wasn’t there. Too bad, but of course it was not his fault. We were just about to leave when he noticed a book at the bottom and happily announced: there it is! That book about your Gide! I have noticed that book earlier. No, it was not written by Klaus Mann. That was the reason I went to him to help me searching for the right one. That one he pointed to was by another well known writer and I have read his book many, many years ago, when I was working on series of articles about the history of gay-themed literature written often by gay writers or scholars.
By then I was truly tired mentally and physically and my leg was hurting. His jumping the gun and prematurely announcing that fateful: I know proved that he didn’t know and didn’t listen, arrogantly thinking that he did.
Was he an arrogant? Maybe that would be too harsh a judgment. But I wish he listened more acutely and paid more attention to question being raised. After all, he was a library assistant. And I did ask him about a book by Klaus Mann. Not another (albeit very famous in his own right) author.
When I went home I reached to my bookshelves and retrieved from there my copy of Andre Gide “L ‘Immoraliste”[ii] and read it again. What a pleasure.
At the end I was not angry. Actually, it was sort of amusing. I think that it was a good chance (remember – Main Library in major city) of him being a graduate of some university’s (or college, the very least) Humanities Faculty. My librarian in my Junior School was not the nicest lady. But she knew her stuff. It meant she knew books. O tempora, o mores, my dear Cicero, LOL.
Wouldn’t be myself if I have missed the possibility of being … arrogant about well know book. Yes, the very voluminous volume of Klaus Mann (with the help of his dear sister, Erika) autobiography “The turning point. Thirty-five years in this century”. I have borrowed it and had to read it. Well, almost. I did huge portion of it, admittedly. Many scholars admire the book. I thought it was an awful way of writing autobiography. There are few ways to do it interestingly – he just mixed them all together, filled with thousands of totally unimportant details of country, cities he lived in (especially as a very young lad, well before becoming a writer), complicated and not that influential on himself familial connections: just way too much to consume, page after page. I wish it was half as thick. All in a total contrast to a very concise way of writing his novels. There were certainly paragraphs, sections very important to know about him and his world, but at the end it was a dinner that had way too many side dishes. At times, you felt like a guest at a dinner, who just thinks o himself: is it ever going to end? If I still want to read his book about Andre Gide, it is for one reason only: Gide. Thomas was the last good writer (he was a good writer, as I said), who went to Paris and to spent time there and to get to know the great Gide. Gide was already very mature and older writer, decades older then young Mann. Thomas told him, he will write a book about great Andre Gide. Gide, who knew Paul Verlaine and Arthur Rimbaud! All of it, young bisexual Klaus Mann, his adored French poet bisexual Andre Gide and his connection to scandalizing stars of homosexual Paris in XIX century of the decadent period. A story from my forest, and a forest I spent many years of writing about and reading about all of them (except Klaus Mann, whom I just met his year, LOL). Just like that absolutely glorious book published many years ago here in Canada: “Meanville , in another part of the forest”[iii].
[i] “The turning point/thirty-five years in this century”, Klaus Mann, pub. by M.L.B. Fisher, New York, 1944
[ii] A. Gide, “Immoralista”, trans. by Izabella Rogozinska; wyd. Zielona Sowa; Krakow, PL, 2006
[iii] “Meanwhile in another part of the forest. Gay stories from Alice Munro to Yukio Mishima” edited by A. Manguel and C. Stephenson; pub. by Alfred A. Knoph Canada; 1994, Toront
It is the most beautiful time of the year in Vancouver, particularly in the West End and around the Lost Lagoon, the charming gateway to Stanley Park. On a sunny day is all a song, a poem. The time of flowering umbrellas of rosy cherry trees, of majestic magnolias, and the tiny flowers of children sprouting from the soil in multitude of colours. The singing birds returned to their nests, their homes on the branches of massive trees. Their colossal migration almost done, they are back at home. A reflection comes to mind: just as my migration finishes. Back home, all the way from the shores of mighty Atlantic, across the vast continent.
With a book in hand I read familiar story of another traveler: Alexander, the young king of Macedonia. I have read many accounts of the ancient story written by historian and writers. The story of conquests and of battles and a story of searching for love.
Yes, there were numerous battles small and great; there were many corpses of his soldiers and generals – but all of it does not matter. In the annals of history of man there are always battlefields and dead bodies strewn on the banks of some great rivers, on the shores of some seas.
But the quest for love is different than the quest for land, or hegemony. The quest for love is worthy of all and every battle and the only thing when murder and death are excusable. For what is greater than She after all? She gives meaning to live and She excuses death.
Alexander and Hephaestion
hunting a stag
As I read the story again[i] – the battles and the fallen soldiers and generals do not matter to me. It is the travel through lands unknown bringing chances of love and romances that matters to me. How had it changed him? Each culture enriched him, each lovemaking, with a woman or man made him different, too. He was no longer Alexander of Macedonia, no longer even Macedonian nor Greek. He was the Great Alexander. Man, who could have had anyone and anything. Did he? Did he quenched his thirst, filled his hunger?
At the very end: was it one, big irony that his conquer had defeated him? Whom should I ask? Gilgamesh[ii] or the great poet Rumi[iii] of XCCC century Persia?
Indeed funny, that it brings me to these names. Not to Shakespeare, or even Dante Alighieri – they are just famous copiers of stories of ancient Love Immortal, or very much deadly indeed – Love Mortal.
The story, a tale perhaps, as told by no one other than Klaus Mann (himself a hunter of love) brings me my own memory. As he (Mann) of Alexander’s stay in Babylon – the cradle of civilization – he recounts the young king visit and tribute to Ishtar[iv], who was so instrumental for the fate of Gilgamesh. Moreover, he mentions Alexander visit to the temple of Marduk [p. 89]. The temple was from the times of king Nebuchadnezzar[v] .
I have never been a sculptor. Yet, in the equally ancient time of my childhood, being maybe a boy of twelve, maybe thirteen, I did with my own hands sculpted from the red clay of Masovia a small figurine of Marduk sitting on a large throne, with his beard coiffure intricately in layers – the way the Bavylonians did in the time of Nebuchadnezzar. Ha! A friend of my father (who was, unlike me, a formally trained sculptor) grabbed that sculpture of mine, called it ‘marvelous’ and took it to some local small museum somewhere in or around Olsztyn in Masurian forest. Never seen it since, nor heard of it again, LOL. Perhaps it still is on some dusty shelf there (where exactly?), LOL. Sufficient to say I have never sculpted again. There is certainly enough of Rodins in Louvres of the world.
The old gods of Syria and Mesopotamia did not touched me and Marduk wasn’t exactly a god of love, more a god of war and revenge. Nonetheless, a god. But let’s go to our Alexander. Our lovely, terrifying, amorous, beautiful and merciless Boy-King in his quest for love. Love – the only thing that is immortal in the lives of silly kings and heroes through our entire history.
Mann states: ‘He wanted to be loved, and nothing was more important to him.’ [p. 89] .
I am not a sculptor, I am just a poet. Let me try to say it clearly in versed form:
In the Gardens of Semiramis love grew
in rows on cascading steps of all colours;
of aromas conquering their souls and hearts.
Was it forever mine to claim, cherish, to behold?
When my king will lead me to battle
and I will be slain by a sword or an arrow –
I will be happy to say: I have been loved
and I was in love. My destiny was fulfilled.
(by B. Pacak-Gamalski, March 2026)
Alexander galloping through Asia on his beloved Bucephallus comes to Egypt. There he wants his lover to be made a god. Immortal. Hephaestion is denied the transformation (as given previously for Alexander himself) and is forced to be contained with a lesser denomination as a hero. But it is of no use for him, he already was given the ultimate prize, the highest possibly – a love eternal from his Beloved himself – Alexander. When he dies Alexander weeps for days as he lays on the body of his friend and lover, when he dies. Soon after that tragic death, Alexander dies himself. Did he loved as much the young eunuch boy, so beautiful Bagoas? He did likely in the moment they were kissing, but his soul was already given totally to Hephaestion.
Gods are not very forgiving to people for their all-consuming great loves. It threatens the love and adoration they expect from men toward the gods, not other mortals. But gods are blind, too. They think too much of themselves, perhaps they love themselves too much? For everything is mortal: people, heroes and gods. The only thing immortal is Love itself.
I should know a bit about it, for I have met Love once in my short journey. Au Wiedersefen, Herr Mann, goodbye my dear god-like Alexander.
[i] Klaus Mann “Alexander”, pub. Hesperus Press Ltd; London, 2007
Two stories in one. Bridges, for example. We know in Vancouver, that bridges are the backbone of our transportation. Fraser River is like an impenetrable natural border that separates two entities of our great multi-cities community: huge, deep, unforgivable. There is one equally mighty – it is, of course, the Burrard Inlet with one arm ending in Port Moody, the other in the Indian Arm fiord.
It starts with the poster-like Lions Gate Bridge – hanging over the entrance from English Bay to Burrard Inlet. Its name comes from two characteristic peaks of Coastal Mountains, resembling heads of two huge lions resting atop. Strangely enough, I have seen every morning and every evening almost identical bridge from the windows of our apartment in … Dartmouth. On the other end of Canada, by another ocean – Atlantic. It connects Dartmouth and Halifax. Drove, biked and walked across it probably hundreds of times. The similarity of these bridges was striking. Not by accident – that in Halifax and the one in Vancouver were designed by the same architect, Philip Pratley. In 1938 in Vancouver, and in 1955 in Halifax.
But for the majority of Vancouverites (that includes the majority of the multitudes of cities and town that make up the Greater Vancouver) it is Fraser River. If not for the bridges spanning the River (and a tunnel, very busy and vehemently disliked by travelers) – there would not be any Greater Vancouver. As simple as that.
Relatively new and modern Alex Fraser Bridge, oldest – Patullo, newest and impressive Riverview Bridge, Port Mann, and Golden Ears (connecting to Pitt River Bridge).
Three of these bridges are very close to my heart: the oldest and first, Patullo; the Riverview, since I watched its ‘birth’ and Port Mann.
Patullo – the oldest and first one to connect not only huge Surrey to Vancouver’s ports but originally to connect the USA farmers to trains and Vancouver’s ports – simply put: to international trade and shipments. Since I remember it was too old and too small twenty years ago. It outlived its purpose even before the monumental urban transformation of Central Surrey. And now, the other day, I witnessed the beginning of its dismantling starting on Westminster side.
Port Mann – seen it being build in 2012 and remember using the first, older one that was built in 1964, well before my time in Canada before. The current one is by far the most picturesque, especially when you see it from a distance – it appears like huge sails spanning the river.
Also remember, when the construction of Golden Ears Bridge finally connected Surrey and Langley toward Lougheed Highway, and across Pitt River to Maple Ridge.
/last picture – the opening of A.L. Macdonald Bridge in Halifax in 1953/
Lots of memories during my current, last sojourn in a place and land I have spent majority of my life. Thanks to my dear friend, who also likes travels, long walks – we visit many jewels of this amazing jungle of man-made structures of steel and cement and rich array of huge natural parks, beaches, protected areas of wilderness in the middle of this huge land of Greater Vancouver.
One of very dear to my heart is a vast wetland and marches of Burnaby Lake. I used to come here with my husband and my mom for long walks. But have not visited it since late 1990ties, when we moved to Capitol Hill in Burnaby, after our move from Calgary. It is sort of out of the way, tucked in a low laying valley. The other day I talked with my friend about it and he remarked that he has not been there for years, too, and asked suddenly: why don’t we drive today there? We did.
A kingdom of waterfowl and main gathering of thousands of crows for their daily ‘parliament’, that gathers here from all over Greater Vancouver. Nice, long trails for miles to walk, bike. We enjoyed it very much.
The city that was calling me gently with clear morning promising sunshine in late March. I know these calls; I have heard them many times and many years ago.
I did – dutifully – answered them then, and I answered it now. It all started with innocent trip to the architectural gem of our Main Library. While there, I finished reading that wonderful semi-autobiographical novel by Klaus Mann[i].
Few days earlier I was so taken by the soft lyricism of the young protagonists love in the fragment, when one of them, taking advantage of the other’s sleep, gives his lover a long story of their love eternal in a most evocative way, full of softness, gentle care and naked emotion, that can come only from a very young person before life gives them a lesson of hiding the power of emotions. Ah, adulthood is so cruel! And for all the wrong reasons, for it kills or silences, what is the most beautiful and within in our lives.
While reading it again in the Library – that sweetness of these feelings, feelings I remember so well, overtook me. I felt like Luis Amstrong was singing to my ear that beautiful song of his, “What a wonderful world”. Therefore, when I went for a long walk toward Burrard Bridge and further to English Bay beaches toward Stanley Park – I felt like singing and smiling to the world and passers-by.
Of course, I can’t forget to mention the start of the day, that clear morning with the promise of sunshine! I was not the only one happy about it. The Moon, despite a broad light, didn’t want to miss saying ‘hi!’ to the Sun and I waved to him from my balcony.
I walked on the beaches with my camera, smiled to ships, the ocean and the people. A young fellow, who lives in far away Brazil was doing the same. We joined our smiles and our amazement. A story ensued. He lives in Rio, I was there many years ago, when I was his age. We continued our walks together for long time. From the beach, uphill Davie. Long talks and walks, good company. The world is smiling, when you smile at it.
[i] “The Pious Dance – the Adventure Story of Young Man” by Klaus Mann
A walk with glorious sun locked in a deathly battle with thick fog coming from English Bay over the beautiful little streets in Vancouver’s West End.
Battle of Light and Darkness? No, no, no! Nothing of that sort. Fog has nothing of darkness. Au contraire, mon ami. You see, fog is full of light, light that is powerfully condensed, weaved very tightly onto amazing arrases, where you can see all the shadows of shapes, a promise of something that might become. Reality not fully realized, not fully described. A poem, from which some of the ink evaporated, bleached out and you can see only some of the words – the rest of the lines, the stanzas are left to the reader’s imagination. Ha! You are being allowed to finish someone else’s poem; composing anew a song you remember only faintly, fleetingly, few cords perhaps? Painting a picture that another painter only sketched with just few strokes of a pencil?
That is fog: a promise of shapes, colours. It asks you to be brave in your own creation, your own enormous palette of colours, sounds, and visions. To be a god! Creator! From dust to form. Not a mere believer, follower. Take the steering wheel in your own hands, follow your chart to navigate to lands and islands unspoiled, with birds made from rainbows, beaches with sand made of pure white pearls and fruits, that taste like lips of someone that you love.
Fog – the master of deception or Demiurge of Land of Dreams?!
Me? I will take my walk through my Mole Hill by Nelson Park in West End. But remember: a Mole Hill could easily be someone’s Mont Blanc. In a fog, of course.
Every boy and every girl need to have a poet, who reminds them of the power of love. Something they absolutely must be certain of, something that hangs like a heavy, sweet fruit from the low branches that you are forced to reach, pick in your hands and sunk your teeth into it. Absorb the sweet aroma, let juices flow from your lips to your soul.
Let me be the poet, who will take you to the garden and show you the delicate foliage of the ancient orange shrubs and their sweet berries. The loganberries.
A sweet logan berry
hangs from your lips
like a promise of heaven.
What is heaven, you ask?
Heaven is like a kiss,
silent yet powerful.
Heaven is red like
quivering lips of logan berry.
Heaven is when you are
becoming someone’s berry.
A red, live, pulsating Loganberry.
How would I know, how would I dare to foretell stories like that? Because I am a poet and if poets know anything – they do know love, her ways and her magic. Poets know long walks by the small banks of streams, where the berries are plentiful in late summer evenings, and they see there pairs of young lovers picking the berries and placing them in the mouth of their beloved ones. Poets, being poets, go home and write a poem about it. After all, that is all they know how to do. Hoping to explain the ways of love to some young boy or girl. They are like the loganberry – all they know is how to grow and become sweet and inviting, hoping that some girl or boy will pick them and taste them. The rest is mystery like the morning mist climbing the shores of small stream.
Reading again the masterwork of Thomas Mann titled “Death in Venice”[i] took me to the edges of my agony of Love and Desire impossible. Of dreams and fears realized intellectually, but holding you emotionally as a powerless prisoner nonetheless.
Where is the line, the edge beyond which we are too weak to venture – and yet, we are crossing the borders all the time, becoming the papier-mâché dolls, whose strings are pulled by the demons and angels alike? Love and desire are narcotics, and we are the addicts. It is an ageless addiction, timeless struggle.
Mann’s writing is his Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet”, his Dante’s ‘Divine Comedy’. But don’t be fooled by it as the only cornerstones of the emotional battles for they are also rooted in “Tristan and Isolde” of Wagnerian genes (through the musically insane “The Ring of Nibelung”). What is interesting is the fact that Wagner, due to his own romantic upheavals and problems, had to escape to … Venice to finish composing ‘Tristan and Isolde’. If Wagnerian music is added to the old Germanic mix (certainly known to Mann), than we can’t escape the influences of Valhalla! You imagination easily conjures the terrifying images of heavy hooves of heavy horses crossing the Alps, steam and foam escaping their nostrils, as they are marching to plunder and murder Greco-Italian vestiges of elegance and order. They are not galloping to discuss the politics and laws on Capitol nor the philosophical counterpoints on Agora in Athens. They are galloping to wash Rome and Athens with Roman and Grecian blood! The horses of Apocalypse at the end of times[ii].
Let us go back to temporary time. Here and now, to Moodswing Café in New Westminster[iii]. Pandemonium in my café, where I go on almost daily routine to write and to have my coffee. Always the same coffee – almost boring – but also a small sign of some order in my chaotic life, some ordinary habit. I came for that coffee and to finish reading Mann’s short story from Venice.
And I encountered pandemonium in that regularly quiet café: hardly a standing spot anywhere. Throngs of bodies, all sitting places taken. Gathering of folks from Rainbow Coalition.
By my table just a solitary fellow. I push few standing gatherers aside and sat by that table next to him. I placed my coffee there, ordered a snifter of wonderful Hennessy, took out my notebook, a pen and put it all on that little table. There was certainly very little place left for this fellow and his drink. He looked perplexed and asked me (without a hint of malice or any anger) very simple question: are you going to write in all that noise and crowd? I gave him a perplexed look and answered without any malice neither: Why wouldn’t I? I am w writer and writing is what I do, I’m not a mingler or joiner of crowds. I write here, by exactly this table. He seemed almost amused by my answer and continued slightly ironically: I didn’t realize it was your table (with the accent on the word ‘your’), should I move somewhere else? I completely disregarded the ironic tone of his question and turned my eyes to his face answering in matter-of-fact tone: Why? That is very kind and very understanding of you. Thank you very much. For a second or two he was speechless and shocked by my candor, than stood up, looked down at me and asked tersely: are you satisfied now? To which I promptly and honestly replied: But of course! And once again – thanks for your understanding. And I returned to scribbling my notes, as he walked away with a shrug of his arms. You can’t blame me for being honest.
Mann conjures all the mastery of Spanish painters in a Goya’sque[iv] style of the turn of XVII and XIX century: the elongated faces, the eyes full of mysticism or terror as in his famous painting ‘Saturn devouring his son’. He sees and feels Albrecht Dürer[v] depictions of Hell few hundred years prior to Goya.The writer is an opposite – one would assume – of terror or chaos. He is from elegant and very bourgeois Munich – just stone throw away to majestic and also stately Austrian Alps. Yet … yes, there is always an ‘alas’!
Suddenly the elegant world of Herr Aschenbah[vi] collapses. From the stately Bavarian city, the elegant slopes of Austrian Alps, from the elegant hotel in Venice, he takes us to the rocks of Tartarus[vii]. Ang[viii], an ungodly proto-Germanic god dons the mask of hoofed Pan[ix] leading a dancing caravan to the edge of desire, of want unfettered by ethics constructed over millennia to constrain lust and primordial instincts. Greed to posses the ‘other’ – his or her body. Almost like today in my café: noisy, talkative, music pulsating, vibrating, desires shielded from being recognized, yet existing, breathing, sweating.
Mann-writer dons the coat of suitor-painter. Hoofed Pan leads Bests and human folk to dance macabre, bodies twisted by primordial instincts of need and warm mist.
Gustav von Aschenbach watches with fascination, yet with terror, as the body count in diseased Venice climbs. Bu so does the throngs of strange animalistic crowd descending from the slopes of the mountains.
I am myself getting tired of Venice, of the sound of hoofs, strange creatures and I leave my café and go to my apartment shielded from all the pandemonium. Leave Tadzio, leave Venice and Valhalla, leave Thomas Mann and his desires. Adieu to all, I am off to bed.
Next day. I left and slept. But gods, the hoofs, the desires beautifully-innocent and the animalistic – they stayed up, waiting for me to finish their story.
Went again to Moodswing Café. All the creatures and characters from the book waited for me. Why should I write your stories? Because the reader?! What more does the reader need to know? An orgy in Elysian Fields[x]? Eurydice turning her back to Orpheus? The River of Forgetting?
No! I have much darker future to foretell you. On my own will, not forced by powers untold.
I wish upon you a march, a cavalcade if you will through the boring meadows of mundane, fields of ordinary days and nights without dreams. Maybe even worse – memories of youth vanishing bit by tiny bit until the Etruscan vases from red clay will dry up. You will no longer remember Alexander and his lover, whom he made himself a living god; you will not recognize young Tadzio sitting on Lido in Venice. But you will survive. You will not die there. You will live a long life somewhere in boring Bavaria forever regretting your cowardice and asking why did you not taste the sweetness of Tadzio’s lips? Never.
Trust me – that torment is hundredfold more terrifying than sudden death in Venice. Thus spoke Zarathustra[xi]. And who would dare to challenge god?
[i] T. Mann, “Death in Venice”, trans. by J. Neugroschel; pub. by VIKING in 1998
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