Bogumil Pacak-Gamalski
Place of respice
No. I don’t know anymore
where is that place.
Have travelled many
decades now, across
oceans and land masses.
I’ve met and loved people,
have been in love with Him.
From airport to airport,
from train station to another
far away, in different city.
Gathered things and lost
all of it somewhere.
I have met friends, who
offered shelter and whom
I have helped, when help
was needed on a bad day.
But where is that place
of respice, of wisdom
learnt from this world,
from travels, loves
and friendships dear?
10.02.25
Nothing, nothing has changed since THAT year. A year when everything stopped for me. I have tried, have searched, got engaged in other things, re-connected with some friends. Yes, there were good days, maybe even weeks. There were jolts of enthusiasm, new plans. It never lasted for long. Not for lack of trying or lack of wanting. It is just, just that the weight of that year, of these days watching him slipping through my fingers, arms, my love, always finds me and whispers: you have not tried hard enough. It is not that I don’t know, that he would want me be alive and enjoying the surroundings, the places, faces and smiles. Especially these places here, where we truly had our home. And gosh, we were happy.
Would he, if we changed places and roles? I think a bit more than me. I think he wouldn’t have carried such a heavy rock on his shoulders. He would have enjoy more his friends and places perhaps. It was me, who wants more of people, who needs them to be beautiful and good, with no broken souls, light and accepting of fates. He didn’t need anything of anyone. He just wanted them to be. He had such a beautiful soul.
And now I am tired. I need to find that place of respice, of understanding, of accepting. I am ready to say ‘hi’ to the world as it is. Have no strength left to carry my luggage anymore.
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