Every boy and every girl need to have a poet, who reminds them of the power of love. Something they absolutely must be certain of, something that hangs like a heavy, sweet fruit from the low branches that you are forced to reach, pick in your hands and sunk your teeth into it. Absorb the sweet aroma, let juices flow from your lips to your soul.
Let me be the poet, who will take you to the garden and show you the delicate foliage of the ancient orange shrubs and their sweet berries. The loganberries.
A sweet logan berry
hangs from your lips
like a promise of heaven.
What is heaven, you ask?
Heaven is like a kiss,
silent yet powerful.
Heaven is red like
quivering lips of logan berry.
Heaven is when you are
becoming someone’s berry.
A red, live, pulsating Loganberry.
How would I know, how would I dare to foretell stories like that? Because I am a poet and if poets know anything – they do know love, her ways and her magic. Poets know long walks by the small banks of streams, where the berries are plentiful in late summer evenings, and they see there pairs of young lovers picking the berries and placing them in the mouth of their beloved ones. Poets, being poets, go home and write a poem about it. After all, that is all they know how to do. Hoping to explain the ways of love to some young boy or girl. They are like the loganberry – all they know is how to grow and become sweet and inviting, hoping that some girl or boy will pick them and taste them. The rest is mystery like the morning mist climbing the shores of small stream.
Reading again the masterwork of Thomas Mann titled “Death in Venice”[i] took me to the edges of my agony of Love and Desire impossible. Of dreams and fears realized intellectually, but holding you emotionally as a powerless prisoner nonetheless.
Where is the line, the edge beyond which we are too weak to venture – and yet, we are crossing the borders all the time, becoming the papier-mâché dolls, whose strings are pulled by the demons and angels alike? Love and desire are narcotics, and we are the addicts. It is an ageless addiction, timeless struggle.
Mann’s writing is his Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet”, his Dante’s ‘Divine Comedy’. But don’t be fooled by it as the only cornerstones of the emotional battles for they are also rooted in “Tristan and Isolde” of Wagnerian genes (through the musically insane “The Ring of Nibelung”). What is interesting is the fact that Wagner, due to his own romantic upheavals and problems, had to escape to … Venice to finish composing ‘Tristan and Isolde’. If Wagnerian music is added to the old Germanic mix (certainly known to Mann), than we can’t escape the influences of Valhalla! You imagination easily conjures the terrifying images of heavy hooves of heavy horses crossing the Alps, steam and foam escaping their nostrils, as they are marching to plunder and murder Greco-Italian vestiges of elegance and order. They are not galloping to discuss the politics and laws on Capitol nor the philosophical counterpoints on Agora in Athens. They are galloping to wash Rome and Athens with Roman and Grecian blood! The horses of Apocalypse at the end of times[ii].
Let us go back to temporary time. Here and now, to Moodswing Café in New Westminster[iii]. Pandemonium in my café, where I go on almost daily routine to write and to have my coffee. Always the same coffee – almost boring – but also a small sign of some order in my chaotic life, some ordinary habit. I came for that coffee and to finish reading Mann’s short story from Venice.
And I encountered pandemonium in that regularly quiet café: hardly a standing spot anywhere. Throngs of bodies, all sitting places taken. Gathering of folks from Rainbow Coalition.
By my table just a solitary fellow. I push few standing gatherers aside and sat by that table next to him. I placed my coffee there, ordered a snifter of wonderful Hennessy, took out my notebook, a pen and put it all on that little table. There was certainly very little place left for this fellow and his drink. He looked perplexed and asked me (without a hint of malice or any anger) very simple question: are you going to write in all that noise and crowd? I gave him a perplexed look and answered without any malice neither: Why wouldn’t I? I am w writer and writing is what I do, I’m not a mingler or joiner of crowds. I write here, by exactly this table. He seemed almost amused by my answer and continued slightly ironically: I didn’t realize it was your table (with the accent on the word ‘your’), should I move somewhere else? I completely disregarded the ironic tone of his question and turned my eyes to his face answering in matter-of-fact tone: Why? That is very kind and very understanding of you. Thank you very much. For a second or two he was speechless and shocked by my candor, than stood up, looked down at me and asked tersely: are you satisfied now? To which I promptly and honestly replied: But of course! And once again – thanks for your understanding. And I returned to scribbling my notes, as he walked away with a shrug of his arms. You can’t blame me for being honest.
Mann conjures all the mastery of Spanish painters in a Goya’sque[iv] style of the turn of XVII and XIX century: the elongated faces, the eyes full of mysticism or terror as in his famous painting ‘Saturn devouring his son’. He sees and feels Albrecht Dürer[v] depictions of Hell few hundred years prior to Goya.The writer is an opposite – one would assume – of terror or chaos. He is from elegant and very bourgeois Munich – just stone throw away to majestic and also stately Austrian Alps. Yet … yes, there is always an ‘alas’!
Suddenly the elegant world of Herr Aschenbah[vi] collapses. From the stately Bavarian city, the elegant slopes of Austrian Alps, from the elegant hotel in Venice, he takes us to the rocks of Tartarus[vii]. Ang[viii], an ungodly proto-Germanic god dons the mask of hoofed Pan[ix] leading a dancing caravan to the edge of desire, of want unfettered by ethics constructed over millennia to constrain lust and primordial instincts. Greed to posses the ‘other’ – his or her body. Almost like today in my café: noisy, talkative, music pulsating, vibrating, desires shielded from being recognized, yet existing, breathing, sweating.
Mann-writer dons the coat of suitor-painter. Hoofed Pan leads Bests and human folk to dance macabre, bodies twisted by primordial instincts of need and warm mist.
Gustav von Aschenbach watches with fascination, yet with terror, as the body count in diseased Venice climbs. Bu so does the throngs of strange animalistic crowd descending from the slopes of the mountains.
I am myself getting tired of Venice, of the sound of hoofs, strange creatures and I leave my café and go to my apartment shielded from all the pandemonium. Leave Tadzio, leave Venice and Valhalla, leave Thomas Mann and his desires. Adieu to all, I am off to bed.
Next day. I left and slept. But gods, the hoofs, the desires beautifully-innocent and the animalistic – they stayed up, waiting for me to finish their story.
Went again to Moodswing Café. All the creatures and characters from the book waited for me. Why should I write your stories? Because the reader?! What more does the reader need to know? An orgy in Elysian Fields[x]? Eurydice turning her back to Orpheus? The River of Forgetting?
No! I have much darker future to foretell you. On my own will, not forced by powers untold.
I wish upon you a march, a cavalcade if you will through the boring meadows of mundane, fields of ordinary days and nights without dreams. Maybe even worse – memories of youth vanishing bit by tiny bit until the Etruscan vases from red clay will dry up. You will no longer remember Alexander and his lover, whom he made himself a living god; you will not recognize young Tadzio sitting on Lido in Venice. But you will survive. You will not die there. You will live a long life somewhere in boring Bavaria forever regretting your cowardice and asking why did you not taste the sweetness of Tadzio’s lips? Never.
Trust me – that torment is hundredfold more terrifying than sudden death in Venice. Thus spoke Zarathustra[xi]. And who would dare to challenge god?
[i] T. Mann, “Death in Venice”, trans. by J. Neugroschel; pub. by VIKING in 1998
My Three Loves never left me. I have never left them, nor have I forgotten them. Through all my early years as a teenager, in an old country on the old continent, country that was greyer than the buildings sorrowing people, who lived there.
Mnemosyne
(by Dante Rossetti)
But my first love that had sprouted in my heart made it flowering, singing above the roofs of these grey buildings. The city of grey buildings, that rose from the ashes of the worst war that fell upon humankind. Yet – my first love gave it a warm embrace that belongs to the titanic Mnemosyne, mother of all the muses, daughter of Uranus and Gaia[i]. She was not the most sympathetic and meek of Titans with a slightly twisted taste in romantic escapades, after all she also bedded Zeus himself, who was logically speaking … her brother. But who’s blaming anyone? Not the Greek gods (or any gods, god forbid!) for their erotic (diss)behavior. I am merely a human, nothing more. For me then, in the grey city of my grey youth, Mnemosyne was the mother of Muses. That cleared her of any other crimes or indiscretions. Who would anyway, any other way? Surely, not when you are fifteen, seventeen or twenty! Love disregards all and any boundaries. And I was in love! Purely platonic, but fearless and furious; intellectually and emotionally on equal basis. And that love, otherwise called ‘friendship’, stayed with me my entire long life. I have never left her, she stayed with me in my traveling luggage all these decades.
My two other loves happened years after the first one. The next one happened almost unknowingly to my senses. It happened in that old country, still very much grey and poor, but on a threshold of new-found freedom, with dreams and appetites for brighter and greener fields ahead. A boy was borne of familial spring, just like the nymphs chasing after the image of Hyacinthus immortalized by songs of his Olympian lover – the God of Love Itself. But beware of love offered by gods, my dear boy! They never end well for lesser lovers. I’ll tell you a story here, later on, in the last chapter, of the price I paid for asking for, and being granted the Love Immortal. The grief is as deadly, as the disk of Apollion that killed his lover – Hyacinthus. But wait, I take back these warnings and the words of sorrow and grief. For Love Eternal outlasts grief and sorrow. Each time and every time. Lament is temporary and is a sign of temporarily losing your perspective. If you grief losing a lover – the lover’s love will come back to you in time, for love can’t be solitary. It will seek and enter the other lover’s soul, because Love needs a nest.
Alas, we went too far in this true fable, the allegoric story of my ordinary life and my Loves Immortal.
Boy was born in the Old Country, as I said. We all rejoiced. Remember walking with my parents, his older sister (a child herself), and the little boy in a walking stroller, a long walk through the countryside near Warsaw, through fields and meadows, to an old palace of some aristocratic imminence and a beautiful stream running through the meadows. Of course, we all loved the new boy. But I had no idea how important, how encompassing, and not always easy at all, that love would be. Didn’t have to wait very long, though, just few more years, few more of my returns to that old familial country and I knew. It was unspoken, unexplained, but very clear. She sprung not suddenly and unexpectedly, didn’t come from ‘the bolt in the sky’ (as it did happen in my last Love Eternal).
It was warmly growing inside me, flowering with tenderness. He was still a child, whom I could carry on my shoulders, as we walked through the streets of that old city that used to be so grey in my youth. But now the city was truly beautiful, transformed by modernity and embracing Western Europe. With that, it embraced the traditions of old Greece, of Zeus and Plato, and Plato’s talks with the boy Phaidros. The sweet youth, who desired his teacher, the old Socrato, and a thought that there must be something wrong with him, since his beloved teacher would not accept the gift of his pupil’s young body. But Socrates was wiser than simple desire. He knew that the boy deserves better than a tired body of not very attractive nor a rich old teacher. That in itself, without any further arguments, proves that Socrat was perhaps in love with that youth and choose of his own will a chanced possibility of better future for Phaidros. A sacrifice, if you will.
Not unlike relationship between Herr Aschenbach and sweet adolescent Tadzio, in “Death in Venice”[ii]. Sweet, tender and innocent – until one afternoon Aschenbach runs away from Tadzio to a park, exhausted and ashamed of himself collapses on a bench and hears himself saying aloud the dreaded proclamation: I love you. But once you say it aloud there is no escape, no turning time back. Ha! That ‘thing’: your desire, your dream could be the abyss of torment. Bliss and condemnation eternal.
What happened in that novella, if it happened and why, is totally irrelevant to our discourse on Love Immortal. If you want to – buy or borrow that booklet from a library. It is not very long, but definitely it is master class of literature.
Hence – back to our story, my Second Love eternal to that boy from an old capital in Central Europe. Years (not that many in my calendar, but must have felt like an eternity in a teenager’s life of that boy) have passed and that boy, in a pivotal time of transformation into adulthood, comes to me in the New World, across the vast ocean and entire continent in search of his destiny(?), his ways through life. In short: in search of himself. At that time I was already well established, secured and totally committed and enthralled with my lifetime Love Eternal, one that consumed me happily, engulfed, and enthralled me without any hesitation. The one that was romantic and erotic. That boy from the Old Country came here exactly for these reasons, too. Firstly, he knew that I love him dearly and sincerely and I would not offer him anything that would be false, or based on pretense or judgment; would protect him, in as much as I could, from any harm that a sudden freedom can bring too.
That was the time, when my Love for that boy transformed to my Love Eternal: when he stopped being a boy from an Old Country, a nephew, for whom you care enormously – he became my Prodigal Son. Without any too strict connotation to the biblical story (of course, if needed, mistakes and transgressions would be forgiven – what proper father would not?). With another number of years the boy become a mature, well established, and educated man. For any parent, biological or emotional, it sounds like a solid reason to be proud. I am.
My Third Love
How should I name you, how should I call you, by what name? Who you are, who you were, where are you?
I can call you by my name for you are me. I can call you by your name for I am you. I can call you Love for you are My Love. Encompassing all my days and nights. Quivering like a blade of grass on summery meadow. Quivering and fluttering like my heart, when I call your name. I won’t be scared whispering to you: I love you – I will be brimming with pride, when I say it. You, who crossed the continent with me, to be with me. When I asked you, where we should settle for our sunset years, you answered: anywhere where you are going to be, because you are my Home.
When we met at the foothills of majestic Cordillera, bellow the amazing peak of Assiniboine Mountain, on the meadows flowing from the enormous Mount Temple, when we walked in the shadow of Mount Robson I wanted to hold your hand in mine. Wanted to show you how beautiful you look in the glory of these peaks surrounding you. Wanted to ask the angels floating around these peaks to come down and embrace you in their warm, godly wings. Just as I would, if I was a god. Maybe we were the gods? Didn’t we possess the most important attribute of deity: Love Eternal? Love that is everlasting. The Black Angel of Mercy in Hyde Park on Manhattan told us so, when we went on sunny October day to visit him.
When we walked the beaches of Northern Pacific in Tofino telling the anemones the story of our love – they danced in waves of happiness; when we walked the white beaches of Eastern Shore on Atlantic coast of Nova Scotia – the eagles danced above our heads and parasailors smiled seeing us traversing the beach.
You – my Third Love were the epitome of love, the Mount Everest of being alive. If I ever would lose the sense of smell – I would still remember the smell of your skin. If I ever lose my sight – I would still clearly see your eyes. If I ever lose my memory – I would want to not know who I am at all, because I would be nothing without the memory of Our Love.
Continuation of my walks about with a camera in hand. Picture hunting, if you will. Of course, the term ‘Old City’ is heavy with irony, but the addition of ‘New World’ adds to it some justification. I do understand that in the Old World a hundred sixty odd years is an age of a baby, young teenager at best.
In New Westminster, December brings a lot with very foggy days and some time it combines the fog coming down from the slopes of mountains with the heavy fog flowing with the Fraser River from the valley.
An evening stroll through the main street , with the X-massy decorations combined with the New Year could be very charming. Romantic or magical. That’s how I was saying goodbye to the old year.
Powyżej zdjęcia z ostatniego w Starym Roku spaceru po starym mieście, otulonym opończą mgły i świątecznych neonów. Naturalnie, w Europie ta nazwa ‘stare miasto’ by była kompletnie niestosowna, LOL. Ale w Nowym Świecie sto sześćdziesiąt lat z okładem, to rawie antyk, LOL.
Poniżej zaś już przywitanie Nowego Roku w młodszym mieście – w Vancouverze.
The next day a stroll welcoming 2026 in younger city – Vancouver. And it does look splendidly at night time with all the lights and noise of modern metropolis.
W centrum starego New Westminster jest, od wielu już lat, bardzo modernistyczny i nowoczesny budynek Convention Centre, zwany Anvil[i]. Miejsce spotkań: z lokalną sztuką, lokalnym rękodziełem, lokalnymi aktywistami socjalnymi. Reasumując – miejsce spotkań sąsiadów, taki a’la ratusz minus cywilna i polityczna siatka biurokracji. Tam (City Hall) spotykają się politycy i biurokraci na niekończących się zebraniach, nasiadówkach i dyskutują, jak wydać nasze pieniądze; tu, w Anvil, spotykamy się my: mieszkańcy i robimy wystawy, potańcówki, prelekcje, przedstawienia teatralne, muzyczne. A jak Święta, to wiadomo – musi być coś wesołego, radosnego w kontraście do tej bieganiny zabójczej za jakimś beznadziejnymi i na ogół mało pożytecznymi prezentami, blichtrem, który nikomu żadnej autentycznej radości nie daje.
Kto, do takiej bezpretensjonalnej, lub może odwrotnie: pretensjonalnie tak nadętej do granic możliwości, że przez ten absurd staje się bezpretensjonalną zabawą, nadaje się najlepiej?
Tak, naturalnie – drag queens! Rzeczywistość jest dla nich absurdem pozbawionym sensu istnienia; normalność, to takie nudy, że na mdłości zbiera. Drag Queen, to de facto wolne ptaki w społeczeństwie, któremu odcięto skrzydła fantazji i wolności.
Więc wczoraj w tymże Anvil Centre Draqq Queens z New Westminster pofruwały nad nami swymi surrealistycznymi skrzydełkami, poskakały, pośpiewały i zagrały nam palcami na nosach-fujarkach.
Widziałem w swym życiu dużo lepsze drag show – ostatecznie to jest forma wysokiej sztuki scenicznej, wymaga talentu i ciężkiej pracy – ale te było, jakby ad hoc zorganizowane, nie po to by olśnić skomplikowaną choreografią i treściami a po to, by wywołać uśmiech na twarzach znużonych świąteczną bieganiną. Trochę beztroski, po prostu, zwyczajnie. Trochę dziecka w nas obudzić.
No i z radością patrzyłem właśnie na twarze stosunkowo licznej grupy dzieci, które też przyszły to widowisko oglądać – te były najszczęśliwsze i oklaski dawały najgorętsze! Być może z całego showu – to właśnie rozbawiło i rozczuliło mnie najbardziej. Ta reakcja radosna tych dzieci.
Christmas, for some, could be difficult. It is now for me. But for most it is also very tiring end of weeks of shopping and running after the best deals for presents and trying to remember about others. Sadly, most of the gifts is not really what our dear ones need. They just need us – not our wallets and boxes of more ‘stuff’. But, be as it is – we are a bit cranky and tire of it all. Time for some simple laughter, joy unpretentious, simple. Child-like perhaps?
That is exactly what the small sow of drag queens in Anvil Centre in New West offered yesterday. Not feeling particularly joyful these days – I listened to suggestion of my friend and almost forced myself to go. What a simple and very modest yet natural drag queen performance it was! Laughter, joy. Screaming to the onlookers and the world – allow yourself for some magic, for being free for few hours. By what you perhaps wanted to but were too timid, be perhaps a child again with abundance of imagination a none of the barriers we erected later as adults.
That’s what they are – the drag queens. A possibility of ‘what if?’ or ‘why not?’. And it is wonderful, liberating emotionally. But the most joy I have received from the show, was not watching the talented performers – it was the laughter and the smiles of the children, who came with their families to watch the show! So seldom they can see their adult families and friends, to be brave enough to become someone else for a moment. To imagine.
In Old French ‘granville’ means simply an old village. Were to be more than just one Granville – it must be than – obviously, LOL – ‘granvilles. Simple. Therefore I walked through and through three of them. Started from the bottom of an old, yet sadly no so much venerable anymore, Granville Street in Downtown Vancouver. It truly used to be a pleasure to walk that street in my younger years. There was everything in there: places to eat, drink, dance, and pick up fellow or girl for an evening of fun, an old opera, and symphony building. It offered entertainment for high prices, and for very moderate pockets alike. It truly was the main thoroughfare of Downtown, for girls and boys, for gay and straight.
It still is interesting, still offers a little bit of everything to everyone. But it lost its grandeur, certain elegance (mind you – not haute couture, but elegance nonetheless). If Davie is paradise for LGBTQ people, Robson for shoppers and Burrard for expensive shopping – Granville was everyone and everyone liked strolling through it. I did. Still do, but with a bit of sadness and … anger at the City Hall for allowing it to reach such a state. We already lost the section of old Hasting Street with the vicinity of Carnegie Library and Granville is not far behind.
Next ‘granville’ on my walking escapade was the Granville Bridge. Everyone should do it once a year! It is such beautiful old bridge and very well maintained for walkers. The views of Waterfront Vancouver, the skyscrapers off the horizon of Metrotown and Brentwood are truly something to behold, similarly as the vistas of the sister Burrard Bridge, and of the English Bay and Bowen Island. From that perspective you are reminded that Vancouver is still dear and beautiful city, regardless of all the shortcomings in the last decade.
Warszawa ma Aleje Jerozolimskie biegnące od Centrum ku Wiśłe i na most Poniatowskiego do Ronda Waszyngtona – Vancouver ma Ulicę Granville biegnąca od Centrum Vancouveru (Waterfornt przy fiordzie Burrard) na most Granville, a po drugiej stronie mostu – wysepkę Granville. Czyli są trzy Granville. Każdy ze swoim specyficznym charakterem i kolorytem. Od mostu poczynając otwierają się przepiękne widoki na zatokę Angielską (English Bay), uroczą architekturę Zachodniego Przedmieścia (West End), Stanley Park, a wszystko zamyka dość wysoka wyspa Bowen.
Po drugiej stronie mostu otwiera się widok na mała wysepkę Granville w dole. Dawniej czysto przemysłowy i mało ciekawy teren dla różnych warsztatów i fabryczek – dziś zaczarowany świat sklepików, galerii sztuk, teatrów, strumieni, hoteliku, kafejek, restauracji i świetnego targu, gdzie znajdziesz każdy towar. Cóż dziwnego, że tą właśnie nazwę wybrano – granville, czyli w starofrancuskim: gościniec. Bo gościniec musi podróżnego kolaską dowieźć i do gospody z noclegiem i pożywieniem, i do straganów przekupek lokalnych. A zawsze gdzieś na targu znajdzie się skrzypek, śpiewak, jaką trupa cyrkowo-teatralna.
Przechodząc koło Front Theater przypomniałem występy tam samej wspaniałej warszawskiej gwiazdy teatru – Magdy Zawadzkiej. Grała tam z naszym, z Vancouveru rodem, amatorskim Teatrem Popularnym. W 2011 występował tu Teatr im. Stefana Żeromskiego w Kielcach z niesamowitą inscenizacją „Samotności pól bawełnianych” Bernarda Coltesa, o czym pisałem na łamach Instytutu Teatralnego im. Raszewskiego[i]. Szerzej o teatrze polskim w Kanadzie pisałem w szkicu historycznym w nr 5 w 2009 Rocznika Twórczości „Strumień”[ii].
A te galeryjki sztuk wizualnych, ach! Co za urocze miejsca i chwile w nich spędzone nie do zapomnienia. Tego dnia spotkałem się tam w Galerii Federacji Artystów Kanadyjskich z Aldoną Dyk, która miała tam jedną ze swoich prac w aktualnej serii wystawienniczej. Długa i świetna rozmowa z nia i jej przyjaciółka, kanadyjska malarką o malarstwie, która szybko popłynęła od warsztatu malarskiego ku teorii sztuki, i dalej na szerokie wody filozoficzno-estetyczne o jej roli w poznawaniu świata i człowieka. Wcześniej nieco wprost fantastyczna wizyta w następnej, bardzo specjalnej, galerii i warsztatach artystycznych „Arts Umbrella”[iii]. Ta galeria i programy, które oferuje, jest całkowicie poświęcona dzieciom i młodzieży artystycznej, zwłaszcza tej, która być może nie miałaby dostępu do tego rodzaju twórczego rozwoju swej osobowości i talentów. Ja byłem zaszokowany dojrzałością, głębią i szalenie silna emocjonalnością oglądanych na ich wystawie prac.
You did talk to me last night, first time in a while. Yes, it was a strange night, followed by strange day. Or was it the other way around? When you are alone, without a set schedule or watch, things do get mixed up easily. Dates especially: Mondays become Fridays, Fridays Tuesdays. So what happened to Wednesday, you ask? Who cares what happened to Wedneday, perhaps I left it on a beach, or on a bench in some park? Maybe it is still in the shower when I saw it last time I was taking a shower? What? Do I not take a shower every day? Maybe not, maybe sometime I take a bath, who cares? You really are asking way too many questions and it is my story anyway. Be quite, just listen.
No, not you, Babycake – I’m talking to my alter ego. You wouldn’t ask such stupid, mundane questions.
But the day or the night when I was still in bed, when I was sleeping, I dreamt of you, I talked to you. Have not done it in a while. I thought that you just let it go, these talks of ours across the boundaries of life and death. Thought maybe there is some allotted time that you can do that and maybe you have used it up? I don’t know. Remember? I am the one still left alive, never been consciously to the other side.
None of it is important really, anyway. I have dreamt of you in my sleep. It woke me up and there you were, next to me. No, I couldn’t see you, but you were there talking to me, you were saying something important. You said that I have to understand that I am alone. That adjective ‘alone’ stood up as a mountain, a wall impregnable, forest too dense to walk out of it. I was getting used to be ‘alone’ in an adverb form.
Since I came back to our home, our former life here, in this city, this province, I have become very busy in many aspects: walks, friends, beaches, concerts, plans. It was just hard to go back to our home, our street. So I did it very seldom, hoping that it will allow me to function as normal as possible. And it did. Had evenings in bars, laughter, maybe a flirt or two. It seemed normal, I was spared any regrets. It was almost as I would finally get across that invisible line of Doctor Time, who heals old wounds; whose grief becomes first bearable, then transforms itself into a memory. Memory that is sad, but also happy that we did have our time, we found each other among the millions of people. As I was told many times, that it will get easier.
You think that was an expectation too easy, perhaps? I am not, after all, just a single guy ready for the picking and ready for harvesting. Is there anything wrong with it, isn’t it logical, practical?
I have reached to my writings of the early days after you were gone, to the first winter after you were gone and my constant visits to the gravesite in Pictou. Yes, that old ancestral town, where we were going to build our home, and spent the rest of our lives in that home. We did not.
(notes from my writings after John’s passing by the end of November 2022)
Pictou
One year. It is hard as hell. Came to Pictou to spent time on the cemetery where we put your ashes. It’s windy, very cold. Desolate place. There was no one else there, on the cemetery. I know – it is only a stone with your name on it. Yours, your parents, and your baby brother you never had a chance to know. And now, there is also your oldest brother Fraser, who was laid there just few months ago.
Cleaned around a bit, threw away old winter flowers, and fixed things. Fixed things? How to ‘fix things’? Nothing can be fixed, when everything is broken.
Yes, I know that you are not there, not under the ground. You are with me. Forever. I have engraved on that stone myself that you are forever in my memory. I looked at the letters and smiled. In my memory, really? That’s what it all came to? Our Love, our life: to be remembered? How silly words could be, when they try to describe emotions, feelings. But still hoped that many years from now, when all of us, who knew you and me, would be gone – a stranger would wander to that gravesite and he would think, that the guy who is buried there was indeed ‘non omnis moriar’, that part of him lived in that other guy’s heart. Nice thought.
You and that Love of ours are engraved not on the stone, but in my soul.
Me? I don’t remember who I was before I met you. I was just waiting. Waiting and searching for you – and I have found you.
Now, now it is almost three years later. I am here, back to our good life on the shores of the other ocean. Were we had home, a nest, were we had dozens of friends, people we cherished and who cherished us. Some were ours; others were exclusively yours or mine. The two halves of Us were surprisingly very independent and strong, if only by the constant knowledge that the other half is there to make it whole.
I don’t have that knowledge anymore. The other half is gone, it is just me left. Those many people I have known, and who sought my presence are still here. Not all of them, granted. Some have left either this life (as you), or this city. But some are still here. None seem to really need me. I am not sure I need them. Of course there is some curiosity, some friendly waving of a hand: how nice to see you again, you are looking good … and so on. I thought that I would need to search for them myself, that I would want it very much. But if I’m always finding excuses and ‘important things’ that prevent me from doing it – am I really?
I have one important friend and, strangely enough, one with the shortest amount of time we spent in this city before we left for Nova Scotia. Less than a year, I think. After my dearest nephew had to go back to Poland, but still this young and very mature nephew was my angel in the first month after John was gone. Then my niece with her husband and son came to stay with me. But he, that younger friend of mine from Vancouver, somehow helped me in the dark months after I was left alone in Halifax. The rest seemed like eternity. Eternity of being in hell, or waiting for the hell’s gates to be opened, to swallow my world. At these dark times that younger friend kept me connected to the world and people by phone. Our long conversations were instrumental of me getting the skeleton of myself back into me.
That is how I did return. To the place of Our home, our happiness. These places somehow were the strongest magnet for me. I submerged myself in going alone, for days on end, on long walks through parks, streets, squares, building were we lived, were my mom lived, were I was with my sisters, my nephew and niece. Places that were calling me. Yes, places, much more than people.
I think that we all have these special places, sometime in many countries, on different continents. Special places that act as an anchor on a ship of life. Where we can drop that anchor and stay safely in some magical Bay of Memories.
It is also a time to untie that line across the sides of our two separate boats: mine and the one belonging to my younger dear friend. He has journeys to make across the sea himself, his journey, not ours. That is also a part of me being alone. My boat is rusted a bit, engines are old. It will still make it though, the last long sailing, perhaps passing the Cape of Hope (not the Cape of Horn), back to original shipyard of its maiden voyage. Then I will rest.
After that rest, I will go alone on many walks to many places (some might not exist materially anymore, but will in my world) that will call me. Solitary walks. It will be like existing in two different dimensions.
One day (no, not in my sleep) perhaps suddenly, out of the blue, I will see you taking the same trail or road and walking toward me, and I will stop being alone. I do hope so. Even in a faint split second before the big Nothingness.
It is what it is. Could be silent, but even than it is not nameless.
Yet, we will not call that name today. We know what it is. Sad but proud; weeping but not hysterical. Sad but understanding; resigned but not broken.
Thinking – strangely enough – about two old movies, that made an enormous effect on me as a very young boy. One with Lamberto Maggiorani in “Bicycle Thief” [i] and incomparable Gulietta Masina in “La Strada”[ii]. Dreams and loves. Devotion and standing by your loves no matter what. Beyond the beyond.
Words. Many words.
The soft and the tense.
Words that can pierce,
be sharp but still true.
They are an umbrella
on a rainy day:
it does not bring sunshine,
does not clear the sky,
but it saves you from being wet.
Perhaps there is even a chance
that such an umbrella
will take a flight with you
to the clouds, to the skies.
It is better to be silent
than to use the thread of words
for making a garment
of lies and half-truths.
Walk silently through
the park filled with good words
where leafs whisper
the promise of a kiss and
touch of fingertips and eyelashes.
Words should never be
like grains of sand in a desert
or they will lose their meaning.
It is good to thread them
on strands of necklaces,
make earrings of them –
it makes them easily accessible,
without the need to always
use a coin for new ones.
Words, you see, are like
years and days: they are
on very limited number.
The story lives
in your heart and soul,
not in thesauruses.
Words are the keys
to books unwritten, yet.
(Polish vrsion – both were written simultaneously, not a translation)
The day we wear the red poppies attached to our other clothing. Why? Because on Flanders fields in Europe the red blood form thousands of young Canadian and Commonwealth countries soldiers saturated the fields so much, that a carpet of red poppies covered the dead ones mercifully and gave them peace. The final peace.
Did you know that the last soldier killed in that awful war was a Canadian boy from Saskatchewan? He was shot few seconds before the clock on the town’s square struck the 11 th hour. The armistice was signed already, the big guns were silent. That boy just went from his trenches to that little village/town to look around. Near by, stood a German soldier, a sharpshooter. He saw the allied soldier from far away, check the clock on the town’s tower and seeing that the large needle did not reach ’11’ yet – he aimed, pulled the trigger. The Canadian boy fell down instantly. Nothing was gain by it, not a single inch of land moved hands. By the time he gave his last breath – the war was over. The German soldier stopped being his mortal enemy, he stopped being the enemy of the German soldier.
The impossible stupidity of all wars. I remember I wrote a poem about that Saskatchewan boy many, many years ago. Now, every November 11 I remember some of the names of some of the great commanders of the massive armies, remember some of the huge battlefields on the Maginot Line, the gases used to kill silently hundreds of them, the awful swamps red-brown from the blood of the soldiers, who were ordered to climb over the trenches and mount another useless attack on foot and being instantly cut down by first submachine guns. Being cut like flowers by stroke of scythe. Later, after the guns stopped, the war ended – the fields were red not from blood, but from the poppies.
And I remember that lonely boy from Saskatchewan, who never really knew why they were fighting, probably knew from some small school near his town the name of the British king, the one he was going to die for. But why? He ever saw any big town or city in Canada – until he was on the train and saw the stations of Winnipeg, Toronto, finally Montreal, where he boarded a huge ship with hundreds of other boys and went across the huge and cold ocean. I’m sure he become seasick many times.
A boy from the prairies on a ship in the middle of Atlantic! He would have many stories to tell family and friends for many years to come! But he didn’t. He died, in that strange village. After being told by his officer or sergeant that the war is over. He did not tell stories his parents or grandparents. By now his parents are dead, his grandparents are dead, too. If he had any siblings and his siblings had children – they are dead, too. Many years, more than a hundred have passed.
But I remember him, more than any other king, general or Prime Minister from that time in the Commonwealth and Great Britain. Just by now, I am myself so much older than he is. I suppose by now, I am his grandfather?
These were my thoughts on a sunny, colourful Fall’s day, as I walked to the City Hall and our Cenotaph in New Westminster. Later, a short walk through the park to the Armory, a chat with a Captain, who was in command of the troops, who organized the short parade and laying of wreaths. His father (or was it grandfather?) served in the 2nd world war and took part in landing across the Ardens, near Falaise Pocket. I told the captain that my personal friend, Ted Kaminski was a parachuter in the 1st Polish Airborne Division and was dropped along his many friends to support the advance of a tank divisions of allied forces (among them the Canadian 1st Army of general Harry Crerar and the Polish Tank Division of general Stanislav Maczek). The Polish paratroopers were able to encircle major German forces in a Falaise Pocked, thus definitely eliminating a great many casualties of the marching allied tank formations. And I was able many years after the war to meet personally that Polish general of the Armored Division in that battle. I met him In London, I think must have been in 1982. We had nice chat. Therefore the young captain of the Canadian soldiers, whose father fought during the last world war near Falaise, had an invisible connection with my life and people I knew. Through events eighty years ago. Indeed a strange chance encounter.
But most of all, I thought of you, my young boy from Saskatchewan, who died when the clock in some village in Europe struck the 11th hour. When the guns went silent and when you took your last breath.
post scriptum:
just as a side note: over the last forty odd years I observed Remembrance Day every year. Sometime by just solitary or with my husband, individual visit to many Cenotaphs. Once in Calgary, in the late 1980s very officially: in the company of Mayor of Calgary, Canadian general, Commander of the large garrison in Calgary and the President of Polish Combatants Association in front of the Cenotaph, by the 3rd Street, in front of the old Library.
This year is the very first year that, to my shock I must admit, a majority of passers bye on the street did not wear a poppy. It was so noticeable. It shows a tremendous lack of respect to the memory of the people, who gave their life for us to be free in our country. I actually felt angry that these people showed such a cowardly indifference to my boy from Saskatchewan. No more on that subject, but just so you know what I think of you. And it is not much.
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